Marriage today is the most abused institution. I call it the most abused because the rate of divorce, failing, and abusive marriages is far more increasing in number than successful ones. It is no longer that beautiful bond people go into to part at death.
These days, marriages start and ends like wild fire. At first, you see a happy couple that seem like they are ready to die for one another and be buried on the same grave. Give it a little time; they become two strangers from warring countries.
Some would flaunt their wedding day like they are the first couples God created on planet earth (Adam and Eve) and then a week later, the marriage will become a Cat and a Mouse living in the same space.
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All theseÂ makes one wonder what happens to the “For Better For Worse Vow”, they take on wedding days before a representative of God (Christian and Muslim marriages), or before the law (Court marriages). Has this Vow become our one time favourite song that we forget the lyrics over time?
I remember our fore fathers despite their polygamous marriage nature, gave their best in keeping their marriage vows. What has gone wrong in this institution that is supposed to last for a life time?
Someone says “there is not enough love in our marriages nowadays, which is why. For love conquers all things”. This drives me to ask:
What really is love?
Does love really conquer all things?
If it does, why are marriages failing today?
Is it that love alone cannot make a successful marriage?
“Love is a strong feeling of deep affection for somebody”. Oxford Advance Learners Dictionary
“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalised his emotions”.
David Borenstein quotes
Feelings that we mistake for ‘Love’ these days, are logical. There is always a reason for loving and showing affection. Itâ€™s either for beauty, sex, money, to please others, to feel among the click, for fun, cuteness, power and many others.Â No wonder the failing marriages and relationships today.
“A Successful Marriage requires Falling in Love Many Times Always with The same Person”. Mignon Mclaughlin
“He who marries for Love Alone will have Good Nights and Bad Days”.Â Egyptian &French Proverb
The above quotations shows that Love is essential for a Successful Marriage, but it alone cannot make a Marriage Flourish.
What else then is needed to make a marriage flourish alongside Love?
The following are what I arrive at after a wide research on this issue;
1) SOMEONE WHO SHARES SIMILAR MORALS, VALUES, INTEREST, AND GOALS WITH YOU
After finding that special someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, ask yourself these very important questions and take your time to consider your answers.Â What are his/her morals, values, interests, and goals for life? Am I okay with them? Are they compatible with mine? If we go into this relationship will it work?
People with similar morals, values, interest, and goals find it easier to tolerate each other and get along easily, which is very necessary for a marriage to stand the test of time.
2) GOOD FINANCIAL BASE
“When hunger walks in the front door, Love jumps out through the back window”. Kenneth G. Vaz
These days, if you are asking a girl out and you are preaching the usual Love Sermon, their expression is always like “please spare me the sermon.Â I have heard it like a million times today. How much do you have in your bank account”?
No one wants to go into a relationship without financial security. Someone once said “money makes a relationship sweet and fulfilling”. I agree with him.
This doesn’t mean you have to own an account in World Bank for your marriage to be successful. A bank statement that is enough to give your family the necessary things they require to live a good and comfortable life is enough. The marriage will work better if both parties contribute financially.
3) A RESPONSIBLE MINDSET
You have to be ready to take the good, bad, and ugly side of the person you are about to be joined to before taking the step for marriage. The moment you say “I Do”, their problems, loss, gains, emotions, and burdens, become yours. You now become their responsibility as they become yours. That’s why it is said, “marriage is two becoming one”. In other words, you have to desire the best for your partner.
4) AN UNDERSTANDING HEART
Understanding is very important to make a marriage work. First you have to understand yourself to understand others. You have to master you strength and weaknesses. That way, you will be ready to master that of your partner and offspring. Knowing them will go a long way in helping you avoid conflicts that breaks marriages.
Education here doesn’t mean going through the four walls of a school. Though it helps if you had the privilege.Â It means getting the necessary knowledge that makes marriage work. It can be through reading books about making marriages work, online articles, listening to wise counsel, even learning from failed marriages. Knowledge they say is power. This power will help your marriage flourish.
6) OPEN MINDEDNESS
An open mind is very necessary for a successful marriage. It requires your being truthful with your spouse, keeping no secrets from them, and taking the initiative to say sorry when you are wrong. It also requires accepting necessary changes when needed, taking the first step to resolve conflicts even if you are right, and supporting your partner in their endeavors.
The seventh point (Christiano Ronaldo) of this article. You need to trust your partner like Christiano Ronaldo trust his boots while aiming for a goal. The goal here is a successful marriage. Itâ€™s very necessary for every marriage to work. To trust your partner, you need to first trust yourself.
A lot of people don’t trust themselves so to trust others is asking for the impossible, yet they go into marriage. Such people believe itâ€™s impossible to be faithful to your partner in marriage. They believe what others say about them and their business than they know about themselves. Majority of marriages fail today because of this. Itâ€™s either they are suspecting something fishy about their partner, someone told them something, or they heard something. They are always acting on assumptions or the advice of others.
You have to trust yourself and your partner for your marriage to work, or be ready to add it to the statistics of failed marriages.
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There is a popular saying that “Marriage is not a bed of roses”.
This means that marriage will come with a lot of challenges that will shake both partners and force them to separation if they are not ready enough.
Our individual differences are one puzzle all humans are still struggling to put together, marriage not left out of it. You have to tolerate your partner to make it work. There will be times when you have to compromise for your marriage to work. Which lots of couples are not ready to do. They carry their individual selves into their marriage. Before you take the marriage step, put your prideÂ aside and embrace a person that is ready to compromise when necessary and accept people for who they are, not what you want them to become.
9) EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Itâ€™s one thing to talk and another to communicate. Communication involves a discussion where both parties reach an understanding. To reach an understanding you have to listen to one another. Listen to your partner when they are making points on a bothering issue concerning your relationship or having a normal conversation with you. One major reason for failed marriages is that the couples dictate to each other. Itâ€™s always what one wants for the other that must stand. How they feel afterwards is none of his or her concern.Â They never listen to each other or come to an understanding in anything.
I remember back then in school, the most hated teachers are the ones who don’t listen to their students. No students ever make a good remark of them. If everyone hates none listening teacher; what about your partner?
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For marriage to work you have to be ready to listen to your partner when discussing generally. Especially on sensitive issues like sex and the family budget. You have to listen to each other to come to an understanding.
There may be other important point that goes along with love to make a successful marriage I didn’t touch, fell free to add yours. Two heads are better than one afterall.
Real Name – Anomuogharan Tanrose
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