Long Distance Relationships: The Good in the Bad

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long distance relationship

I woke up today feeling very sore and rusty. I wasn’t sick but then I knew something was wrong, it didn’t take long before I figured it out, its been almost 4 months since I last saw my partner, and even then I saw her only briefly, the last time we really had any good “us” time was probably almost a year ago. In that time, I’ve been to youth service camp, gone to another state, she’s also been to camp, relocated to another state, we’ve both met new people, new friends that the other person doesn’t know…so the pressure had mounted over time, I knew I really needed to see her. This is the kind of stuff people who sign up for long distance relationships deal with every single time, so you have to know what you’re getting yourself into before you jump inside the pool.

emotional characters

1 First you need to understand you and your partner’s emotional characters.

Disagree as much as you may, but an understanding and careful analysis of this single factor will determine most of how well or how bad you guys cope with the distance. I’m kinda a romantic person who believes love must be shown and expressed if it is to be sustained, so every now and then I try to evolve new ways to tell my partner I love her. From writing poems about her, to singing her songs, sending her jokes, doing so many other silly stuffs when I can…I just try to not be dormant. My partner however is the stronger kinda person, she’s very practical. She believes if I tell you I love you, just know I do and nothing is going to change that…I may not call in days, I may not be all mushy around you but I’m yours. That’s cool, except that since you don’t see much of yourselves in a long distance relationship, the other person cannot really interpret your gestures, they only assume this is what this means…and from time to time, they mis-assume and frictions come in. The other person doesn’t know what to expect, you may have forgotten about a quarrel, but since they aren’t seeing you, they can’t be too sure…they keep trying to make amends and properly apologize peradventure there are still bits and pieces of the rifts lingering. Another possibility is that you say its gone and there’s no problem but in your heart you expect the other person to at least still properly apologize and try to make amends, but they don’t know that. They feel if he or she has said its gone, that means its gone, let me not reopen flesh wounds. So they keep mute about it, but somewhere inside, you still want to talk about it…if you guys were in constant contact this wouldn’t be too hard to notice and iron out (because you cant hide too much from love), but its another thing entirely in long distance relationships. So you really have to do more home work about understanding each other. Before you relocate to different cities, you must know what your partner really means by “its fine” or that “you’re sick” is her own way of saying “I love you”, so that when she tells you ” you’re sick on the phone, instead of sending her a mobile peck, you won’t start picking fights with her and saying “she doesn’t respect me”.

have fun together

 

2. You have to both create a strict ” US” time in your schedule. Forget about your busy schedule and all the stuffs you have to do.

You aren’t seeing this person, so they don’t really understand how busy you are, you can only explain and explain and they can say ok, I understand but they really don’t. In their head they still can’t understand how 5 minutes of call is too much for u to squeeze out of your noon break, and its on a whole new level if you’re the type that has an habit of telling your partner to “please call back, I’m having a call” when they’re talking to you. That shit is wrong! Wrong I repeat! And if you’re fond of it, you need to call your partner, apologize and never do it again. Yes it might just be your friend calling and its very important because she wants to tell you the location of your house keys, or its a call from home. Whatever the case may be, it puts your partner at an automatic uncomfortable zone. When u tell someone to drop their call because another call is coming in, it is interpreted to mean this other call is more important and yours is expendable, so call me back when I’m jobless and I have nothing else useful to do than chat with u, but when something else comes up, no matter how small, your call has to go. Now I understand this may not always be what it means, but don’t forget we are talking about long distance relationships here, so this other person doesn’t see you, they don’t know that isn’t what you mean when you do it, and the whole purpose of this is to see things their way, not yours. So shush with the objections and just learn. Let everyone in your life know that this so so person is in your life, and let your partner know that everyone knows they’re your man or woman, it goes a long way to boost their trust and sense of importance. Then, create a strict routine in your schedule that everyone knows is for both of you alone. Don’t let communication with that person be just whenever I can, if I’m busy for a week and I can’t talk, she should understand…That shit would kill you guys faster than cheating. Always remember that you’re not the only one who finds that person appealing, and once your partner prefers to talk to someone other than you, or the first person that comes to mind to talk to when there’s an issue isn’t you, you’re already on the way to loosing the person.

improve relationship communicatio

3. Be transparent and make obvious, conscious efforts to improve communication whenever you can.

Not everyone that cheats is a cheater, for some, it was just an untamed longing for something (sometimes the person doesn’t even know what it is until they cheat and the longing still doesn’t die). I’ve read and seen instances when the guy or lady just knows something is missing, they just feel like talking to someone and when the partner isn’t close and still doesn’t make any attempt to properly communicate, they get more comfortable talking to one “friend”. and this other friend isn’t just seeing a gist mate, he’s or she’s seeing a potential boo, then something happens and the whole egg crate broke. Don’t put your partner in that situation. I keep saying it, once you’re not the first person that comes to your partner’s mind to talk to whenever there’s an issue, you have serious work to do. I’ve seen instances when people already have it registered in their head that he won’t kuku answer the phone, or she won’t kuku pick, so when issues happen, they don’t even bother to try calling the person, and as expected, eventually the crate breaks. “Anyone you can pour your heart out to, you can give your heart to”. If somebody trusts you enough to fearlessly reveal their flaws and fears to you, they’re only a few steps away from giving you themselves. Don’t struggle with it, its just the way it works. So you have to let your partner know you’re committed to making you guys work. There mustn’t ever be doubts in their mind about your commitment or devotion. And you must make conscious and obvious efforts to keep improving things. Your partner must always know you’re just as dedicated to making things work, as they are. If they feel you guy’s relationship is just an option or a “whatever happens” stuff to you, they’ll see no reason to reject a seemingly more sustainable “option” when it comes, and trust me it will come…soon enough.

Read Also: How to Understand the Real Commitment to a Marriage

Truth is, what everyone really is searching for is the same thing. Call it whatever, but when you look down at it critically, every single person really wants the same thing: the confidence that comes with knowing you’re the definition of somebody’s “happy”. If you can manage to give that to your partner, distance or not…you can sleep with both eyes closed. When you’re awake they’ll still be beside you.

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